Forgiveness after a divorce: you do not have to become friends to move forward

A column by Mariëlle van Hoek on forgiveness, divorce and mediation. On the courage to let go of expectations, continue parenting together and embrace a new future.

In our practice, we notice that many people think a divorce is only truly final when you can interact with each other normally again. As if you should eventually become friends again. Of course, it is wonderful when that happens. I also see that it is possible, and I wish that for everyone. But it does not have to be a condition for a good divorce. You do not have to become friends to remain good parents together or to move forward yourself. That is not the goal of mediation either.

Forgiveness often begins with yourself

Perhaps forgiveness therefore does not begin with the other person, but much closer to home: with yourself.

I once heard a thought in a podcast that has stayed with me: sometimes, you may forgive yourself for the expectations you once had. That sentence stuck with me because I see it so often in the people sitting at our table. They are not only saying goodbye to a relationship, but also to an image of the future.

A relationship that ends is not automatically a failed relationship. Sometimes a relationship has brought exactly what it was meant to bring, just not for as long as you had hoped. That does not make the sadness any less, but it often helps you look back with a little more compassion. Including towards yourself.

Mediation helps you look ahead

During mediation, I regularly see conversations about the future unintentionally returning to the past time and again. Agreements about the children, finances or parenting arrangements are then coloured by old pain. That is very human, but it does not help anyone move forward. Especially during mediation, we try to create space to look towards the future together again, despite everything that has happened, and make workable agreements.

You do not have to become friends to be good parents

Children do not need parents who have left everything behind or agree on everything. They need parents who, despite everything that has happened, can find enough calm to continue parenting together. Mediation can help with this, not by erasing the past, but by making space for a new way of working together as parents.

For me, that is the essence of forgiveness. Not that you approve of what happened, nor that you forget everything. Forgiveness means accepting that the past can no longer be changed and deciding not to let it continue to control the future.

Sometimes, this even creates space to continue as friends. Or the relationship remains more distant, but there is enough calm to parent together. Both outcomes are valuable. It is not about what the relationship looks like, but whether it offers room to look ahead again.

The future deserves attention too

After all these years as a lawyer and mediator, I have become increasingly convinced that a good divorce does not begin with legal agreements alone. Good mediation helps people give the past a place, so that agreements can truly work. Not because the past no longer matters, but because the future deserves that too.

And perhaps that is ultimately the most beautiful form of forgiveness.